[The Ides of March. The Roman Forum, 44 B.C.]
CAESAR: Good morning boys! What a day for the game… I can’t wait to get started! I’ll be the Dreadnaught!
CASCA: OK. I’ll be the Howitzer.
LONGINUS: Oh well… I guess it’s the Top Hat for me. Again.
CIMBER: The Scotty.
RUGA: Hey! Wait a second! Why does Julius get the Dreadnaught? Every time! Every Goddamn time… ya know, like ‘what the fuck’?
NASO: Yeah Julie… like, ‘what the fuck’? Maybe one of us would like to get the Dreadnaught for a change!
CAESAR: Hah! Who are you? Mere Senators? Me? I’m Caesar! You’re awfully quiet Brutus. Are you joining these upstarts? These unfeeling rebels? Surely you would like the Dreadnaught?
BRUTUS: Me? No, no. Oh geeze, no! The Dreadnaught for you great Caesar… besides, I get seasick! Ha, ha, ha. I’ll take the Old Shoe.
RUGA: {soto voce to Naso} Did you hear that? Brutus… what a kiss ass! ‘The Dreadnaught for you great Caesar!’ And I’ll scrub your back and fetch your laundry!
CAESAR: The old shoe fits you well, loyal Brutus! Alright… and I’ll be the banker this time!
CASCA: This time?
LONGINUS: You’re always the banker!
NASO: Yeah Julie… like, ‘what the fuck?’
CIMBER: Might I remind the great Caesar of the last time that he was the banker there was a serious shortfall in the treasury? Funds appropriated to host orgies on Free Parking!
CAESAR: Funny… very funny Cimber. I like it! We all love orgies, right? OK, next time you can be the Howitzer! Alright. Enough, I’ll roll first…
RUGA: Whoa! Hold the phone! What about we all roll? High roll goes first!
CAESAR: Nah, that doesn’t work for me. Double threes! Toot, toot, toot, here comes the Dreadnaught, one, two, three, four, five, six. Judea! I’ll buy it, it’s one of my favorite properties! Five sestertius… such a deal! I roll again. Three! Hah-hoo, Aquitania! I’ll buy it! Six sestertius! I love the light blue properties!
BRUTUS: They match your eyes great Caesar.
RUGA: {soto voce} I think I’m going to puke.
CAESAR: Fortune smiles on me! All I need is Britannia and I’ll have a monopoly in light blue and I will be able to begin building brothels and bath houses! Your turn Casca.
CASCA: Five. The Appian Way! I’ll buy it!
CAESAR: Fork over ten sestertius… here’s the deed. Your turn Longinus.
LONGINUS: Four… Income Tax! Shit!
CAESAR: I’ll take 15%!
LONGINUS: The rules say 10%!
CAESAR: I’m making it 15%. Legionnaires to be paid, roads mended and orgies to organize… Quit your gripping and hand over 15%. What fun, I love being the banker! Brutus, you’re up.
BRUTUS: Eight. Britannia.
CAESAR: I’ll buy it from you Brutus! Here’s five sestertius!
RUGA: Don’t do it Brutus!
CAESAR: Here, six sestertius! More than it’s worth!
RUGA: More than it’s worth? You’ll have a fucking monopoly! Don’t do it Brutus!
CAESAR: OK, ten sestertius! And I’ll give you a free pass to a brothel on Britannia!
BRUTUS: Oh… alright.
RUGA: “Oh, alright?” What kind of shit is that? Ya know… like, why even bother playing the game? Caesar’s going to lie, cheat, steal, cajole and bully his way thru this. And you know it! Why don’t we just turn over all the properties to him now and be done with it!
CAESAR: Quit your belly-aching Ruga. Here. I’ll give you a free pass to brothel, too! In fact, all of you! One free pass each! Oh, it’s good to be Caesar!
BRUTUS: I think that is more than generous great Caesar!
CIMBER: Er… *cough, cough* uh, you’ll have to excuse me… I have to use the “gents.”
LONGINUS: I gotta take a leak, too.
CASCA: Me too, must be that third cup of java… I’ll be back in a sec.
CAESAR: Et tu, Brute?
BRUTUS: Me? Oh, well… uh, I have to run an put some change in the parking meter. Can you break a five sestertius note?
CAESAR: Sure.
NASO: *Ahem* Well… um. I have to call my mother-in-law… she’s baby sitting the kids! Er, yeah… the kids. Oh, and also… I have a case of rampaging diarrhea… and, and, and a splinter in my foot! Yeah, a splinter in my foot and I’ve lost my mittens… yeah, that’s the ticket.
RUGA: You’ve what? Lost your mittens and you have a splinter? Worry not Caesar, I’ll help him!
CAESAR: Don’t be long “ladies”. I feel lucky today! I can’t wait to put up some brothels in Judea! The Jews love brothels!
[Five minutes later. The Bath House on Bagel St.]
RUGA: Oh, this is just great… mother-in-law, diarrhea, splinter… and you’ve lost your mittens! Where did you come up with such nonsense Naso? Why didn’t you say “I have a carbuncle on my left eyeball and I can’t see the short sword with which I am going to thrust into your abdomen!”
NASO: Geeze Ruga… if I had said that, Caesar might have become suspicious.
RUGA: How did you ever get out of grade school? Never mind. OK, lads… here are the weapons. Naso, I got this just for you. It came from Outdoor Sportsman yesterday. See? A blackthorn shillelagh from Hibernia!
NASO: Ruga, I have a question. How do I use it?
RUGA: Look at the directions… “for superior results in blunt force trauma”. First you hit Caesar in the knees to immobilize him, and then you can begin beating him in the head ’til his face and brains look like week old banana skins! Cimber, here’s a cutlass… used by the Barbary pirates! Casca, a trident. Longinus, you get the épée. And the Bowie knife for you Brutus… remember to go for his spleen.
BRUTUS: Ruga, I have a question. What does “et tu Brute” mean?
RUGA: And you Brutus?
BRUTUS: What does “et tu Brute” mean?
RUGA: And you Brutus? That’s what it means. Are you trying to be stupid? It’s Latin.
BRUTUS: It’s Latin for are you trying to be stupid?
RUGA: Don’t be an idiot! Here’s your knife. Don’t harm yourself. Remember. The spleen. OK, lads… all clear? Let’s take care of business!
BRUTUS: I didn’t know that Caesar spoke Latin…
[One day later. The Roman Forum]
BRUTUS: Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your ears. Mark Antony can not be here to deliver his address. He has a case of rampaging diarrhea… and a splinter in his foot! And I will not speak to you in iambic pentameter… I leave that to Mark Antony and future poets. I will speak in plain prose. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. Why? Because will all know him to be an ambitious elitist – which is a grievous fault… but a fault that could have been tolerated if he hadn’t used the ambition to lie and cheat at the game! I ask you, paying just ten sestertius to complete a monopoly in light blue! Is that honourable? No! Yes, he was my friend… and I do appreciate that he gave me a free pass if I landed on Britannia with a brothel. But increasing the Income Tax? Is that honourable? No! And another thing… speaking in Latin! Is that honourable? No! It is an elitist tongue! Now look… I know that Caesar was popular and all, and it’s just a damn shame that he had to pay the ultimate price for being an elitist swindler… but there you go. Let that be a lesson to us all! One further announcement: Calpurnia will be receiving well-wishers today in her salon and the bath houses and brothels will be open tomorrow.